What used to be
by Pulcotinette
Summary: "Everything used to be so simple..." Or when love butts in. ASP/SM. OS. Translation of Avant by music67love.


What used to be

Genre: Slash

Pairing: ASPSM

Rating: M

Disclaiming: None of the characters is mine nor the author's. The storyline and plot go to music67**love.**

**Warning: homosexual love story. Don't like, don't read!**

**Summary: "Everything used to be so simple." Or when love butts in... **

**Translator's note: One of the first-ever fanfictions I read, ****Avant**** is not a particularly well-known work but one of my favourites. Translating more from that author is on my to-do list! I hope you enjoy, please don't be a silent reader and leave a review!**

**xXx**

Everything _used_ to be so simple. When boundaries used to be so clear. When we used to hate each other without even knowing why. When the only words escaping my mouth used to be insults thrown at you. When the only feeling filling my heart used to be a visceral hatred for you. When I did not have to analyse how I felt about you.

Do you remember what used to be? Do you remember our arguments? Do you remember our brawls, our fistfights? Do you remember the whole nights spent punished? Do you remember our hateful glares?

I am the one who knows you best, Scorpius... I can guess each of your thoughts with only one of your moves, one of your glances. I _know _when you are down. I liked to abuse of this perfect knowledge of you. In spite of all this, there was something that I did not know and that I have always wanted: I did not know your body.

How could it be that I did not know your body when I knew everything about you? This question haunted me relentlessly for more than a year. I spent the summer after sixth year thinking about how I could solve this problem. I _had_ to know your body - it had become vital. I would only think about it, I could not focus on anything else.

I woke up thinking about your lips. I showered turning in my mind the memory of your torso in the changing rooms. I ate while dreaming of your bottom. I spent the day with your grey eyes printed on my retina. I went to bed imagining your penis. I slept erect because of that perfect body I imagined under mine.

It was so easy in my teenager's mind… Some days, I miss that time, when everything seems so complicated yet oh so simple at the same time. Sleeping with my so-called enemy did not seem contradictory at all. Why not, after all? This is what I told myself...It was stupid when you think of it**.**

But it had to stop. I could not bear to go on thinking about your body all the time. I could not bear to be hard at the strangest moments, simply because our eyes met. Impossible to shower with you after sport since this summer. Yet impossible not to seek this gaze.

Still, I did not see the entirety of what was included yet. Feelings… I did not understand this sudden interest towards you yet. I did not know why I was always seeking your presence. I did not know why my heart tightened when you were not there. I did not know why I was angry when you were too close to them.

The teenager is a particularly stupid being. But had I not act as I did on that day, would we be here today? I took action without even thinking my actions through. I took action even when I did not even know what I was doing.

I kissed you. Just like that, right in the middle of a crowded corridor, between two classes, in front of some of the teachers. I kissed you even though your mouth was glued to the mouth of a stuck-up girl of no interest _instants_ _before. _I pulled you by your jumper, put you against a wall and kissed you. Without further ado. Even today, I do not know where that boldness came from. Stupidity, surely. Or a certain naïvety, the one which makes us believe that nothing really matters.

You answered me. You answered me with your tongue in my mouth, with your body against mine, with your grip on my hair. You answered me by pulling me against you so that I could feel your slowly growing erection. You answered me by pulling your mouth away from mine and by forcing me to follow you.

Teenager's stupidity…We ran down the corridors, without caring about the lessons we were missing, about the students we ran into, about the teacher we ran into, about our laugh that shook the walls. The only thing that mattered was that desire growing in our pants, this need to feel the other against ourselves.

We did not even know how we felt about each other. We did not give thoughts to it when, panting and full of desire, we reached our dormitory. We did not think when we landed on your bed and kissed until we were gasping for breath, undressing feverishly. We only groaned when our bodies touched, when our erections slid against each other, when I entered you, delicately…

But what else could we do? Our bodies were moving on their own as if there were endowed with their own lives. Our heart pounded faster but was it only because of our lust? My mind was gone, leaving only feeling, sight, touch. I was amazed by this body I was discovering.

Your body was so much better than everything I had ever imagined or made out in the showers. It was perfect, just made for my hands. It smelt good, a subtle mix of your soap and your smell, which was less perceptible yet there**.** It answered meekly to each of my strokes and my tongue took pleasure in licking it everywhere, gently tasting it, as if it were the most delicate of desserts.

I will never tire of your body. Your body was made for me, Scorpius. It was made for my hands, my lips, my tongue, my penis. It was made to bear mine. It was made to be pulled against mine. It was made for me to rest my head on before we fall asleep.

And you… You too, you were made for me. You are the only one I can spend hours with, speaking about all and nothing - whether we are laughing or being serious - without getting bored. You are the only one who truly knows me, who has seen me cry before. You are the only one I have ever loved and will ever love, I know it. How could I one day find someone else who fits so well against me?

Telling you that I loved you has been obvious to me. Once again, I did not really think it through. I did not consider you rejecting me, you telling me that you did not love me back, that I was only a pastime to you. I _knew_. I knew that I mattered to you, even just a smidge. At least, I talked myself into it.

I only remember your arms around me, your warm breath on my lips and you whispering "I love you too", like a swift of wind. We loved each other. We love each other. It is as simple as that. So how did we end up here?

Why is the world so hateful? Why can't it accept that two men can love each other as would a man and a woman? Who wrote those rules? What did we do to them to stir up so much hatred?

I am so ashamed, Scorpius… I should have done more, tried harder to undo their grasps on me and help you. Do you remember me screaming? Did you even hear me, among all the beating raining on you without a break? Do you remember my tears when they finally let go of me and I pulled your wounded body against mine? Did you even feel them on your swollen face, in between your unconscious moments?

You cannot leave me, Scorpius... What would I be, without you? A shallow shell, a shadow of myself, having to go through life alone. How could I survive? To go on, day after day, to see more and more violence, more and more hatred, without you by my side to show me that life, sometimes, can be happy ?"

"Do you remember what used to be? When we were kids and wanted to get married? What has happened in the meantime?"

"World changed us…"

"Promise me that we will write together what is to come."

A smile, lips meeting again to seal a promise. Scorpius has awakened, everything will be fine, of that Albus is sure...


End file.
